Dear All of You:

We welcome you to our free online eNewsletter, The Love Letter.

Barberi Paull Feit first wrote and published The Love Letter in the nineties as a free print newsletter. At the start of the new millennium, however, Barberi decided to bring The Love Letter to you, its readers, via the Internet. The Love Letter became at that time the eNewsletter as you see it today from its new address: www.theloveletter.net.

Barberi has written volumes of love letters, that is, letters on the subject of love, during those years. But Barberi has decided to devote more of her time to the books and music she writes (and has written). She asked me to take on the happy task of editing and managing The Love Letter for the Internet.

You see, you’ll still have Barberi’s observations on love and relationships. The Love Letter will continue to be posted here. As always, we want you to have all the love in the world. But The Love Letter will be signed by me.

My name is Andora.

What better way to begin my exploration of love and relationships with you than by giving you a special gift! It isn’t a card or a box of candy. It’s an ABC of Love.

We have many different kinds of love relationships, and every single one of them is complicated. In the Love Alphabet I’ve outlined a list of elements that are fundamental to every love relationship. These elements are the good, the challenging, the silly and the inspiring mix that makes love the unique and compelling thing it is.

Becoming familiar with these ABC’s of Love will give you a greater understanding of love. It will help you identify what’s going on in your relationships. It will bring you closer to the people you love. It might help you develop a sense of humor about love – a very necessary thing if you are ever to survive your encounters with love.

I hope you’ll have some fun with my Love Alphabet. I hope you’ll agree that my gift to you is something worth having.

THE LOVE ALPHABET

AGGRAVATION.  Does any relationship exist without AGGRAVATION? AGGRAVATION can be useful as evidence of just how much that significant other means to us.

BRAVERY.  We might not realize it at first - but we soon discover - the great risk to our feelings in caring for someone.  As we survive each difficulty - and anticipate the next - we must surely be proud to be more courageous than we had ever thought we were.

COMPLAINTS. That we have them tells us we are engaged in something other than a frivolous or non-meaningful relationship. We usually complain when we care and, when they complain about us, we know they are struggling to be closer to us.

DREAMS.  A partner for dreaming is what love brings. Together we make imagination and reality meet.

EFFORT.  If a love relationship is to be a success the people involved must be aware that the measure of success is almost always directly proportional to the EFFORT put into the relationship.

FRUSTRATION and its pals - anger and indignation - point to the problem places in our relationship. FRUSTRATION is helpful if we let it lead us to an honest examination of the reasons for our FRUSTRATION. We’ll see where we need to make some changes.

GENEROSITY is an important quality to look for. It points to the spirit of forgiveness and compassion within our relationship. GENEROSITY tells us something about each of us as the individuals who comprise the relationship. Being able to give says that, underneath it all, we feel we have something worth offering to others, and that we are confident in our ability to replenish what we have dispersed.

HISTORY.  Feelings of confidence in our relationship come as the result of our having shared experiences that we have handled successfully. Memories of our failures and triumphs are the personal HISTORY of our relationship that we can depend upon in building the future.

INTENSIVE.  Successful love relationships are labor-INTENSIVE. No one can maintain our relationships for us. We can receive help from a therapist, a nanny or a friend but we can never expect to delegate the labor-INTENSIVE work required in a love relationship, nor should we expect to have a relationship that doesn’t require work.

JOY.  Our special ties to beloved people can bring us great JOY. JOY, as a concept, is more reflective of what we feel when we love than is the concept of happiness.

KISSES are a welcome thing - whether they are the romantic ones we receive from our mates, or the somewhat off-target ones of babies or the big, juicy ones of our pets (whom we also love very much).

LOVE is magic. It has a way of making our lives richer even when we are giving it away to the people we love. It makes every aspect of our lives seem wonderful.

ME.  Every relationship challenges us to preserve our own personality while getting close to someone who will also be striving to preserve his or her individual nature. This leads directly to our next letter: N is for NEGOTIATION.

NEGOTIATION.  This skill is essential if a love relationship is to be successful. Our ties to each other are tightened through the careful and caring NEGOTIATION of our separate needs.

ONE.  In the hierarchy of love relationships, we value most the relationships with people who feel so close to us in spirit and understanding that we seem to be ONE.

POSTPONEMENT.  If we are to have good relationships, we must develop in ourselves the high art of POSTPONEMENT - especially when applied to saying something hurtful before having thought it through, or storming into what might be an unnecessary argument.

QUICKNESS.  We soon realize that sloppy habits can cause serious damage to relationships. A successful love relationship wants QUICKNESS in recognizing problems as they develop and QUICKNESS in tending to them.

RESPECT.  Love brings us a deeper appreciation of the people we love, of ourselves, of life and of the world in which we live.

SILENCE.

TIME FOR ONESELF.  We reflect upon our relationships so that we know what to do. In our time alone, we regenerate our spirits so that we can be eager to continue.

UNDERSTANDING.  The intimate relationships we find most precious are realized through cultivating a deeper UNDERSTANDING of ourselves and of those we love.

VISION.  We must stay focused on how we want things to be. That VISION will enable us to get through the challenges that might drive us off course.

WISDOM.  The Tooth Fairy softens some of the blows of childhood by leaving coins under our pillow. WISDOM is the compensation we receive for the losses we suffer - in love and in life - as adults.

X-RELATIONSHIPS.  Using the WISDOM, which has come before, we might be able to recognize when we are involved in a wrong relationship and take the necessary steps to turn it into an X-RELATIONSHIP.  This allows us to make room for the people we should have near us.

YOU.  Love means that the person loving you will have to support the expression of your unique personality. The essential YOU, which each of us offers to a relationship, is the most important contribution of all.

ZANY is derived from a word misspelled in our everyday usage: InZanity is the correct spelling. You know the word I mean. It is a human necessity to be ZANY from time to time. Our ability to express ourselves as fully as the word implies is the direct result of having been loved. Life can be onerous down here on the ground. Life may have overwhelmed us with responsibility and problems. But love provides us the security to sZZtep off the ground, to eZZcape, to sZZtretch, and to let our sZZpirits ZoaRRRRRRRRRrrrr.

Please come back next week. Another love letter will be waiting for you.

II.

Dear All of You:

When we were examining the work we wished to accomplish through our books and music CD’s, we put advancing love high on our list. Love is important. Firstly, everyone needs love. Secondly, we want every day to feel the kind of joy that’s possible when we love. Thirdly, when we live in a loving atmosphere everything seems more beautiful, more possible, more worth pursuing.

But love isn't easy to understand.

We create The Love Letter as a response to these considerations.

We want to offer insight and advice to all those people who need help with love, and that is everyone. We want to help people who love each other to have a good relationship. We want to try to untangle people who want to love each other but are having difficulty getting it right. We hope to answer to those couples who are slugging it out and don't know what to do.

Our eNewsletter is also for those who are alone at the moment but intend to love someone soon. It's for the young who have romantic dreams about how life will be when they will have grown up and become eligible for a love relationship. It's for the very much older folks who are trying to hold on to Great Expectations when it comes to love.

As you know, my name is Andora. I'll be writing you love letters, that is, letters in which the message is about love. I've learned a great deal during my many years of observation and reflection. I’ve learned even more as a result of the experience I had when I was counseling people directly.

I look forward to sharing with you all that I know to be true about love.

III.

Dear All of You:

Thank you for your eMail messages. I'm always happy to hear from you. I enjoy reading your notes and comments. I appreciate being made more aware of what concerns you. I’ll think about the questions you ask and answer them as my column permits. I hope that my insights prove helpful.

One of my readers, Olive Ann, sent the following quote. I think it's a good one to remember.

“Love is an exchange between two people.
 If you want to get love
 You must be a person who gives love.”

Something to think about.

Goodbye for now. I'll write you again in a week or so.

IV.

Dear All of You:

People don’t seem to write love letters any longer. People send greeting cards, and now, of course, eMail. But most people these days never put pen to paper to express what they feel.

My writing you a love letter is old-fashioned. But, to my way of thinking, old-fashioned is romantic. Perhaps I can inspire you. We don’t want to forget to be romantic, do we?

Perhaps as you think of my love letter you’ll consider writing a love letter of your own – to a friend, or to a lover, to a parent, or a son or daughter. Just tell them what you feel about them, or what you remember about them, or what has touched you the most during the course of your relationship with them. Just thank them for the gift of love they’ve given you, for dreams of a future, for their having stepped into your life providing you with someone to whom you could open your heart. One sentence, one paragraph would constitute a love letter.

Let’s see how well you do. Later on I’ll give you some templates to help you along!

I don’t have to wish you good luck with your love letter. Any simple attempt to express love in writing inevitably brings good luck – in the form of a loving and lovely response.

V.

Dear All of You:

In reading through my eMail I was struck by the number of letters I received from frustrated people who want to have love in their lives, but can't seem to find it.

I discussed this with Barberi Paull Feit. Although Barberi is no longer writing The Love Letter she still confers with me on its content. She’s still very interested in you.

Barberi and I decided to respond this time with an explanation of a neurosis. A neurosis is something that gets in the way of our achieving a goal. Most of the time the neurosis is working against us without our being conscious of it.

Sometimes we can't find love because of a neurosis. We may be fearful of being close to someone. We may be unrealistic about what love is. In these cases, the neurosis would stop our noticing love were it to appear before our eyes!

A neurosis can be cured by a few sessions with a good psychotherapist.

However, most of the time it isn’t a neurotic block that’s in the time. We can't find love because it simply isn't the right time. There’s a rhythm to all the comings and goings of our lives, including the comings and goings of love.

I'd like to leave you with a truth about love. It was written by Barberi Paull Feit and will appear in her forthcoming novel, Love and Dreams. Barberi states the following:

Love has its own prerogative.
It comes early; it comes late.
It comes when it chooses.
Knowing the perfect time
So much better than we.

VI.

Dear All of You:

As you already realize, there are many kinds of love relationships. I’d like to outline the various love relationships for you.

But, since I wrote of psychotherapy in my last love letter, I’d like to begin with a description of psychotherapy and of the relationship between a patient and psychotherapist. You’ll see why.

I mentioned the option of visiting a psychotherapist for help in ridding ourselves of the specific neurosis that inhibit our being in position to receive love. When the guiding people in our early lives have failed to help us understand ourselves, the responsibility to complete our personal growth, to build self-confidence, becomes our own. We must have that foundation if we are to be stable enough to handle adult life and the loves that fill it.

The most effective person to step into the parents’ role once we are adults is the therapist. He, or she, moves us forward to maturity. The therapist helps us understand what we’re about and how to maneuver through adult life.

Therapy empowers. It reaches inside for the neglected person, usually finding one long waiting to be helped through the maze. By taking the patient in hand, the therapist encourages him and her to define the personality and take pride in expressing it. The therapist becomes a trusted substitute parent preparing the patient for life and love. The therapist heals the patient and helps him or her mature. This is important; love takes energy and wellness, and is an adult enterprise.

For this reason I’ve placed the therapist first when it comes to a love relationship. The alliance between the therapist and patient – for many people in today’s world - is the Prologue to love.

VII.

Dear All of You:

Whenever you think of love, think of it as something that flows through you. . .an endless stream of happiness and well-being. Even if you don’t have anyone in particular whom you love at the moment, think of love in this way. . .and experience all the love you’re capable of feeling as your everyday way of being in the world.

VIII.

Dear All of You:

Think of love always as a possibility. Remember that all human beings  - except true solitaries - want love, too. This simple thought, a thought alone, will cause you to feel a connectedness to others. It will help you move past fear or inhibition. It will help you to be more naturally open to receive the love that exists around you.

IX.

Dear All of You:

If you were to live with feelings of love, with the simple pleasure of having feelings of love within you, you would be sure to have a glow around you. You would be radiant and that radiance would act as a magnet attracting love to you.

Make a promise to yourself to live with feelings of love. It isn’t always easy. You may sometimes be upset or angry or disappointed. But you are in charge of what you feel. Make a promise to yourself and try to keep it.

You’ll help love find you.

X.

Dear All of You:

Now let’s go on to a study of the kinds of love. There are many kinds of love. What are they?

There is the love of a parent for a child and a child for its parents. This kind of love has many of the elements that are in common with other kinds of love relationships, but not all: the parent and child incorporate each other into themselves. . .feel as if they are part of each other. The parent and the child make sacrifices for each other’s well-being. But, unlike other relationships, in the one between a parent and child the give and take is not immediately exchanged. It is something that balances out over time. When the child is young, the parent does most of the loving, the caring and the giving. When the child has grown to maturity and the parent is old, it is the adult child who then shoulders the greater responsibility and concern.

The adult child assumes greater responsibility over time.

The parent, however, always feels responsible – from beginning to end. I recall a beautiful illustration of this unique aspect of love found in the relationship between a parent and a child. I’d like to share it with you:

My friend’s mother lived a long and productive life. Only when she turned eighty-seven years of age did it seem that she might die. She became frail and was confined to bed. A year passed. One day she took my friend’s hand and asked her to sit beside her on the bed.

“Are you all right?” the mother asked.

“Why, yes,” my friend responded.

“Can you handle everything?” the mother asked.

My friend was fifty-five years of age at the time. “Why yes,” my friend answered. “Is there something I can do for you, Mother?”

“I’d like to go now. Is it all right if I go, darling. Are you sure you’ll be all right?” the mother asked.

“I’m fine, Mother. I’ll be fine.”

“Good,” her mother said.

Within an hour the mother peacefully died.

We don’t often express ourselves so truthfully, especially when it comes to death and dying. But, I think you’ll agree that my friend’s touching conversation with her mother speaks to the feeling that underlies the kind of love relationship experienced between a parent and child.

The parent always feels responsible for the child and, in fact, the parent is always more responsible – even if the parent is at a stage of life when he or she is only capable of giving advice. The parent is not a friend, but remains the parent.

I’ll have another love letter for you next week. Please stop by.

XI.

Dear All of You:

Not everyone holds the view that the love felt between parents and children is innate.

Another view is that the love between a parent and a child is more the result of a friendship that develops in the course of meaningful experiences shared while a parent is raising a child.

Speaking of friendship, friendship is a quality that we find in many of the different kinds of love relationships you and I are examining. More about that later.

For now, I thank you for your interest in our eNewsletter. Thank you for returning to it. I’m glad you continue to enjoy The Love Letter.

XII.

Dear All of You:

I’d like to elaborate on what I wrote in my last love letter.

In every love relationship – not only the one between a parent and child – we have the opportunity to cultivate the love we have, to deepen it.

We can work consciously to deepen the love we have. But often we find that our love has deepened in a natural way – without our having thought about it - in the course of our having shared everyday life.

We partner in meaningful experience. We get to know each other better as we resolve our conflicts, help each other in difficulty, celebrate the triumphs. We grow in respect for one another while meeting challenges together, overcoming hardship. We appreciate the vulnerabilities as they are revealed. We find each other more lovable. We love each other more.

Let’s let love deepen and grow – let love happen. It wants to.

XIII.

Dear All of You:

According to much the same natural progression, love could present itself in any relationship we have. It could present itself in an alliance that was not begun as any kind of love relationship at all.

We could, for example, start a relationship as acquaintances, or fellow students. We might be volunteering at the same charity. But as we share ourselves with each other, as we partner in experience, we get to know each other better. We get to enjoy each other’s company. We get to like each other. We will certainly find lovable qualities in each other. We become more interested in each other’s happiness. We get to become friends.

One day – and quite by surprise - we realize that what we have gotten to love each other – that what we have between us qualifies as love.

As love is a potential in every relationship, we might want to be certain we behave as best we can with everyone – all the time – to make the most of so fortunate an opportunity.

Love is always a potential and always has the potential to deepen. Let’s remember that and be gentle with those who are close to us.

XIV.

Dear All of You:

Whatever the kind of love we have – or have had in the past - there are times when we don’t want to be bothered with love at all. . .with the problems it brings. . .with the feelings of vulnerability and confusion that accompany love, with the anxiety. We get fed up with the work love often requires us to do. We put love aside.

But we always return to love eventually. We try again.

We all seem to want to live in love. Despite our exhaustions and frustrations, we choose in favor of a life with love in it. That’s because love is a thing of magic. We can’t resist it any more than we could the promise inherent in fairy powder or star dust or the flutter of angel wings.

Love promises to enrich our lives in ways we can hardly imagine. It promises to enhance us as individuals, to make of us so much more than we could be without it.

Don’t waste your time vowing you’ll never love again. Love knows – and you should, too – that you’ll be back.

XV.

Dear All of You:

Speaking of love as magic, I’d like to reiterate something I’d written in an earlier eNewsletter.

Love is magic
In that
The more we give away
The more we will have.

Continue to visit us here at The Love Letter. Your love relationships will be improving as you understand them better and acknowledge how they work.

XVI.

Dear All of You:

Love is magic because when we love someone who loves us in return we feel that we have been changed, and, in fact, we have been changed. Love holds up a mirror and we see ourselves in the other person’s eyes — bigger than we had been in our own view, more wonderful, and somehow as the person we always knew we could be. This transformation from within is something only love can do – whether our parents’ love for us from childhood, or our lover’s love once we have grown.

Not only are we transformed but we sense that the life we have known is no longer the same. Life has somehow grown with possibility and celebration. Our vision for the future is corrected.

The alchemy of love.

XVII.

Dear All of You:

Now let’s get back to what we had been thinking about: the different kinds of love relationships.

Friendship is a love relationship. But friendship is also a thread running through most of the other love relationships. Let’s first look at friendship as a thread running through relationships.

Friendship is usually an element found in the love between a parent and an adult child, although we mustn’t ever kid ourselves. . .there is only an element of friendship in the relationship between a parent and child. . .it is not friendship. For the sake of the well-being of everyone it should be remembered that a parent has to function as a parent and a child has the work of maturing. The love relationship between a parent and child comes with specific demands and requirements.

Still, there can be an element of friendship between a parent and an adult child.

Along the same lines, there is often a strong bond of friendship in the love relationship between a brother and a sister.

There is a kind of friendship between ourselves and our pets (another relationship which qualifies as love and which I’ll describe later).

Friendship is the best foundation to have if we are to succeed in the glorious love relationship we want as a couple.

I think it’s interesting to note how friendship is a part of many kinds of love relationships.

Let’s wait until my next love letter to look at friendship as a love relationship in its own right.

XVIII.

Dear All of You:

Our subject in this eNewsletter is that of friendship as a love relationship.

When we think of how we feel about our best friends, we begin to understand love. We feel our friends are a part of us. We are proud of their accomplishments and think of their accomplishments as our own because we’ve supported our friends in the pursuit of their dreams. Our friends have reciprocated. They must have reciprocated because that is the core of friendship. Friendship is always mutuality.

In friendship we experience trust. We tell our friends our deepest desires. We confide our secrets to them.

We let our friends laugh at our mistakes. We’re happy to have them see us at our most human, even at our worst, and discover that they love us anyway. We need to have them love us anyway. Unconditional love is what our friends give us, and for those of us who’ve had a difficult childhood, the love of a friend is a first experience in total acceptance of who we are. As I said, “they love us anyway.”

In friendship we can have expectations that will be met. Our friends build self-confidence knowing that they have come through for us. We build self-confidence every time we come through for them.

In friendship we feel safe. We try new things out on our friends.

We are safe.

XIX.

Dear All of You:

Some time has passed since you and I started exploring the subject of love. We have a long way to go.

I thought we’d look at love a little differently for the next series of love letters. In some part of the world it is now the season of summer. Let’s look at summer, the lightness and ease, the warmth and evaluate how that impacts our approach to love.

In summertime, for example, we’re free to do what we want to do. We have vacations from work or school. The days and nights seem longer. We feel that we have time to spare. Summer provides us with time to concentrate on finding love.

We also have a sense of freedom. We are inclined to speak to new people. We feel more flirtatious. We even feel more sensual.

To take advantage of the opportunity that comes with summer we can push ourselves forward by reading romantic novels. We could get ourselves more in the mood for love by listening to music, especially love songs. We could relax in the sun and let its warmth remind us of the warmth that comes with love.

With a focus on love – and with our feeling world enhanced by all that the season of summer brings to us - we are likely to notice a possible candidate.

Happy strolling!

XX.

Dear All of You:

During summer we seem allowed to take time for ourselves. Summer promotes self-love. The prevailing attitude during the season of summer points us - along with everyone else - in the direction of relaxation, of ease, of self-indulgence. Leisure is expected. Because all the people around us are more or less in a summer state of mind, we are in the perfect context for cultivating whatever laziness and self-interest we naturally have. We dote on ourselves guilt free because, actually, we’re moving along with the tide. No one looks at us sternly if we don't show up for work over the weekend.

Take advantage of the way of summer. Make the most of the state of mind summer brings. We want to be able treat ourselves in a loving manner. We want to be counted among the people we love. We may have to learn to do it. The summer attitude could help.

Thank you, all of you, for returning to The Love Letter and for leaving your comments and questions.

XXI.

Dear All of You:

We awaken each summer morning asking ourselves a unique question for adult life. "What do I want to do today?" In summer we can create exactly the kind of day that suits us. What a luxury!

That begs the question: what suits you? Perhaps you should make a list of all that you wish to have and wish to be. It’s important to know. Let summer’s slowness allow you the gift of self-knowledge.

During summer you could create an important list, for example. The list would consist of your wishes and dreams. After you’ve made the list you’ll refer to it all the time to make certain you’re being faithful to your wishes and dreams. But first make the list.

Start by buying yourself a beautiful journal. Then go to the beach with journal and pencil in hand. Then fantasize, imagine, see the future. Write down whatever comes into your mind: Your secret longings; Your heartfelt dreams; An important – and overlooked – goal; A serious change in the path your life has taken so far; Things big and small.

Creating this list is a meaningful and very loving thing for you to have done for yourself. A very good use of a seemingly endless summer day.

XXII.

Dear All of You:

Aside from the business of making the list I’d suggested in my recent love letter to you, let me also remind you that one of the most wonderful gifts you can make to yourself, or share with someone you care about, is fantasy.

Many of the best moments are those spent fantasizing. Children know this well. We knew it once but forgot.

Fantasizing is a glorious pastime that fills the heart with happiness . Fantasizing, like listening to music and reading inspiring novels prepares us. . . puts us in the mood for love.

XXIII.

Dear All of You:

Our favorite guests during summer are the animals. It’s easy to practice love with them. We feel special when they visit with us – a curious rabbit, a meandering garden snake, a few ladybugs. We live in peaceful co-existence with them sharing the summer days.

My loveable beings one summer were the butterflies. They were given to me in cocoon form - ingeniously sent by my friend, Susan. Susan was thrilled when she came up with the idea of the gift of “pet” butterflies, buying an elaborate miniature “community” of butterflies for me at the local pet store.  She and I watched with respect and fascination as the butterflies struggled to emerge from their cocoons.  We were filled with awe to see each small butterfly pump up its wings and paint its uniquely gorgeous color from within itself.

In addition to the simple joy of the pet butterflies, I was taught an important lesson by watching them. The exasperations of the maturing process rewards all living beings with individual color and the everlasting freedom of adulthood.

The butterflies matured. Susan and I took them to the nature preserve and set them free. They flew off beyond our reach, to begin a life of their own making.

We hoped to mature just as magnificently. We knew we could.

XXIV.

Dear All of You:

The summer state of mind, by the way, can be a particular help for those of us who lean toward working intensively, who are rather exacting about work and achievement. If we have been struggling to attain a bit of healthy self-interest, to develop new habits, a better balance, summer is the ideal time to begin - and begin we must! We can’t have love if we’re always too busy to have it!

XXV.

Dear All of You:

Summer helps us to sense love. As we recline in the sun and feel the sun’s touch on our skin, feel the profound comfort that the sun engenders within us – we are experiencing a sensation akin to love.

We see nature; we hear the song of the birds outside our window; we smell the fragrant flowers everywhere; we see incredible sunsets – all of our senses are alert. That – and more – is how love feels.

XXVI.

Dear All of You:

Let’s say that the love relationship we’ve been emphasizing as we thought about summer is the love we must have for ourselves. Be aware of the importance of self-love. Realize that love for ourselves is intrinsic to our ability to love others.

We must have the same respect for our personal development, for our needs and for our dreams that we support in the people we love. We must care for ourselves and take care of ourselves with the same conviction and dedication that we feel for all those we love. As we take care of ourselves in a loving way we are sending out a clear signal that we understand what love is. We will attract people who also understand what love is, who also know how to be a loving person.

XXVII.

Dear All of You:

When we have people around us who understand love and who know how to love, it’s fairly easy to have successful love relationships.